Connect First - 52 simple ways to ignite success meaning and joy at work by Melanie
The truth is that organizations are run by people, and people run on emotions. Our feelings supply the energy to fuel our pursuit of profit and purpose. They are formidable and universal. They can’t be ignored.
• Start by adopting a winning mindset:
• You have the power to change your world.
• Organizational change starts with the individual and operates from the inside out.
• No matter your role, how you show up makes a difference.
• Impossible situations are often solved when people speak directly to each other.
• Quality person-to-person moments shift group dynamics and transform organizations.
• By focusing on what you and your coworkers have in common, you can better incorporate and appreciate diversity.
• You can create the community you want to be part of.
• In an increasingly automated, technology-driven world, there is an urgent need to stay connected to our humanity.
• Seemingly simple acts can be hugely disruptive.
SMILE
A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.
—CHINESE PROVERB
A study from Penn State University found that people who smile appear to be more likable, courteous, and even competent.
Smile as you enter the building, walk the halls, or join a meeting room.
Put your phone in your pocket and make eye (and smile) contact as you transition from place to place.
Spread delight. Dare to be the first to turn up the corners of your lips.
To generate an inner grin that lights up your face, think of something that delights you.
Learn from a child. Children smile up to 400 times a day.
SAY PLEASE
Language experts report that the English please is short for if you please (if it pleases you to do this).
Respect people as more than a headcount paid to get things done. Even if someone is obligated to perform, a pleasant please prompts more prideful compliance.
Turbocharge your please by looking the person in the eye and smiling.
Try saying please in the native language of your coworker for extra impact.
Remember that the millennial generation (a large part of the workforce) does not respond well to command-and-control directives.
Not all pleases are created equally. Manage the tone of your please.
SAY THANK YOU
The People You Neglect Can Undermine Your Success
Get in the habit of thanking someone each day who doesn’t expect it.
Connect thank you to an existing daily routine.
Plan your Oprah moment. How can you offer thanks that has your personal stamp?
Be genuine and specific. Your appreciation doesn’t have to be task-oriented.
Look someone in the eye and deliver the thanks in person if possible.
Don’t delay. Sometimes we wait to say thanks, intending to do something special, and then the moment passes.
Prepare a handwritten message that allows the person to physically reference and touch your appreciation.
Make an appreciation kit, a Ziplock bag containing some stationery and stamps.
While writing this, I was surprised by a floral delivery thanking me for leading a successful corporate facilitation last week
Remember your boss appreciates hearing thank you just as much as you do.
It’s never too late to say thanks.
CALL PEOPLE BY THEIR NAMES
Ignite Attention and Recognize Individuality
Ask your colleague to share any history attached to a name; it will help you remember while providing a peek into his or her family story.
Sometimes a name is exotic for your ear. Enter the phonetic pronunciation into the person’s contact card so you can say the name properly.
Make an effort—don’t institutionalize a nickname because it makes your life easier.
OFFER PRAISE
Pride Is Rocket Fuel
Robert Cialdini’s Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is the salesperson’s bible. A key learning is that most people are phenomenal suckers for flattery. We are more willing to cooperate with those who find good in what we do. If you compliment your colleagues, they will behave in ways that validate your assessment. After all, they have a reputation to live up to!
Enhance thank you’s by adding praise for a colleague’s unique contribution.
Recognize early wins. Connect your colleague’s contribution to the larger, long-term organizational goals.
Don’t delay praise. Be specific and genuine.
The most powerful form of praise matches what recipients highly value about themselves
Make time for others to share their accomplishments with you (so you can praise them).
You can commend your superiors as well as peers and subordinates.
Be generous in your praise of others.
GOT IT? THEN SAY SO!
Respond with Got it as soon as you receive a request, special announcement, or finished project.
Don’t wait until you have read through lengthy documents or completed time-consuming tasks. First acknowledge receipt.
PROVIDE FEEDBACK
Provide feedback early and in private if possible.
Assume the best intentions of the other person
ENGAGE ALL OF YOUR SENSES
SEE EVERYBODY
Those on the Margins Often Have Greater Perspective
Before you begin a meeting, scan the room. Have you made eye contact with everyone? Yes, everyone.
Be intentional with your focus
Watch the tendency to become overly focused on one person to the exclusion of others.
LISTEN TO INSPIRE
Deepen the Conversation by Responding Without Words
Whether you use your words, your smile, or your eyes, practice saying, Tell me more.
Demonstrate that you are listening because you want to, not because you have to.
When you ask a question, pause to let the other person answer. Count to five slowly
Be patient. Don’t immediately let other people know whether you agree or disagree.
Be a generous listener. While traveling with a colleague or standing in line at the cafeteria, encourage others to talk about themselves.
In Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, Susan Cain reminds us that if you talk less, you are likely to hear more. The introverted team member may be the person holding the keenest insights, but you will have to control your own mouth to hear what’s on his or her mind.
SILENCE
Be Quiet Together
TOUCH
It Transforms an Interaction
Increase compliance and connection with a light touch on the arm.
Use a quick pat on the arm between the shoulder and elbow to communicate, It’s good to see you.
EAT TOGETHER
Food Is Bait for Conversation and Creates Connection
Food is an equalizer. The foods we crave (and those we avoid) are as personal as our names. Food choices capture our culture, express our values, and reveal bits of our world beyond the office.
Encourage your coworkers to bring a beloved dish—perhaps a comfort food from their childhood (this is especially valuable when working with multicultural groups).
Providing food is a form of caring.
Meals seal relationships.
Try being strategic with your invitations. Set aside a day each week to dine with someone at your company that you don’t know well.
Snacks bring access
Coffee cuts through barriers
BECOME POPULAR
BE PRESENT
Showing Up Is Just the Start
Manage your mood, facial expressions, and body language to send the right signals.
Be intentional with your attention. Identify colleagues and constituents who need face time.
Consider taking handwritten notes in meetings so it’s clear you aren’t cheating and checking your emails on your electronic device.
Follow my colleague Max Metcalfe’s advice if you have a big personality: manage your muchness. Be careful not to overpower a room.
Assess your personal power meter. If you think you are a 7 on a scale of 1–10 of impact, you are more likely an 11.
Remember to show up when you are expected or when your surprise appearance would motivate and validate others.
SHARE INFORMATION
News Is a Virtual Valium
BE A MAGNET
Become the Person People Want to Be With
The most passionate and committed are often the ones identified as generating too much heat in the organization. Be a surge protector—capture the negative energy by leaning back and holding the space for exploration. Let others speak. Listen. Don’t focus on promoting your idea or finding a fix. Add value by creating a nonjudgmental place for discussion.
How can you catalyze a quality discussion? What thought-provoking questions might you ask to ensure the conversation is keeping up with current events?
Don’t own the things you do well. Delegating the jobs that we don’t do well and don’t enjoy—that’s easy. It’s harder to train someone to take over a task that you find pleasurable, but it won’t help your reputation (or growth) in the long run.
Sharing opportunities that may have established your reputation is a powerful way of communicating that you are secure in your role and committed to the development of your coworkers.
Joy is contagious.
Delight others by noticing what is important to them. Ask your colleague about the picture on his or her desk
Make an extra effort to initiate conversation with shy colleagues.
Manage odors. I can see you rolling your eyes, but really, to be a magnet, don’t smell.
KNOW HOW TO ENTER
First Impressions Stick
Seek ways to sync up with, not overpower, a new situation. This can be as simple as going over and standing by someone’s desk—waiting for them to be ready to receive you—rather than assuming you are welcome, or listening to and watching a group perform before offering a suggested improvement.
Remember that just as you are assessing the action, you, too, are being observed. Your facial expressions and nonverbal behaviors have a huge impact.
Enter with a smile, an outstretched hand, and a ready compliment for those you are about to meet.
Be prepared, rather than pretending (or hoping) that snap judgments don’t matter. Don’t enter a room with your papers askew and your hands filled with bags;
Pay attention to anticipated assumptions regarding your behavior and attire—and shock the system with your flexibility.
Be curious. If you are the outsider coming in, ask open-ended questions to ease any initial awkwardness. Make it your responsibility for conversation to flow.
When you enter as well as when others join the meeting, be the first to make eye contact. Assume they are just as uncomfortable or shy as you are. Predict a good conversation. When you greet people, tell them you are looking forward to talking with them because (insert a heartfelt, truthful reason) and set the stage for a dynamic exchange.
Act happy to see whomever it is you’re seeing, says Hillary Clinton.
Once you understand the way in which impressions are made, you can influence others’ perceptions of you—and that’s a valuable path toward meaningful connection with the people you interact with.
TELL STORIES
Connect by Hacking Your Colleagues’s Right Brains
Engage the listener’s senses by describing what you saw, heard, or even tasted during the experience you are sharing.
Living in competitive societies, we learn that success demands drive, commitment, and determination. We must expend a great amount of energy and, if necessary, use force to get what we want.
CHALLENGE NEGATIVE THINKING
Stop Noise Pollution
Thoughts are just that, ideas in your head—not necessarily facts. Treat them as theories that can be tested, rather than convincing yourself that things are horribly unfair, wrong, or about to implode. Check your hypothesis with friends and colleagues. Reality is an extremely powerful antidote to frustration.
If you can’t quiet disparaging thoughts, jot them down rather than perseverating on them. Carry a small notebook. Make a date with yourself to review the list and practice your ABCs.
Don’t indulge your inner drama. Write down at least three alternative ways of viewing a situation. Go to work tomorrow and act as if at least one of those alternatives is correct.
Avoid becoming an injustice collector. Have your eyes peeled for a conspiracy of good things happening to you.
Listen for the positive internal whisper and try turning up the volume. Sometimes it is fun to have voices in your head.
Try some visualization. Open your mental window and let negative thoughts fly out, rather than inviting them to stick around for tea. If you are busy saying, I’m an idiot, I’m an imposter, try packing Ima in an imaginary suitcase and toss her in a dumpster.
Try some visualization. Open your mental window and let negative thoughts fly out, rather than inviting them to stick around for tea. If you are busy saying, I’m an idiot, I’m an imposter, try packing Ima in an imaginary suitcase and toss her in a dumpster.
HAVE A POINT OF VIEW
Cultivate an Informed Perspective
Stay curious. Use travel time to read blogs and listen to podcasts outside your field. Download or carry a book; don’t be stuck reading in-flight magazines over and over.
Visualize a time you can interject your new knowledge. Practice beforehand how to make your message simple and relevant to your audience. Be careful not to be boastful about what you know, and others don’t.
Make it a point to read material from sources you don’t agree with. Add individuals with opposing views to your social media feed.
Subscribe to news aggregators that provide a quick daily or weekly dose of information. Be sure to access reporting outside of your favorite outlets.
Check out books like Factfulness by Hans Rosling, which explodes commonly held ideas about the state of the world. Offer up surprisingly counterintuitive information (to help your team be better informed, not to make anyone feel ashamed about their assumptions).
Ask people you respect how they form opinions. What sources do they go to?
Ask, What don’t I know to ask? Leave enough time to hear the answer. Schedule additional time if needed to fully appreciate what was outside of your field of vision.
Talk directly to the people impacted by strategies and products you may be promoting and bring those insights back to your team.
Participate in defining success. What the (internal or external) client initially asks for is not necessarily what will help them achieve their goal. Arrive with an informed position and the confidence to suggest an alternative approach. Your client may not alter their request, but at least[…]
YOU DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT
Trust Me on This, I’m Not Wrong
Rather than being argumentative, try being additive.
Engage in discussion to reveal other points of view, not demand acceptance of yours. Sometimes someone’s perception or counterargument can add complexity or nuance to your position.
Remember that just because you are right, the other person isn’t necessarily wrong. Equally, if you are wrong, the other person may still not be right. Enjoy the shared discovery.
Be accountable and apologize for your errors. (There’s a later chapter on apologizing, in case you need help.)
Recognize that at a certain point, the discussion is over and the team (and you) must commit even if there’s disagreement. Try summarizing the opposing views to demonstrate that they were heard, and then remind the group that a decision was made.
Realize that people who voice a strong opinion may be a little scared inside, or at least more open to a discussion than it initially appears. Ask permission to explore what you think might be right, despite someone else’s confidence that you are wrong.
Check if you are creating an environment where mistakes are not tolerated. Even the most junior member of a team can shut down discussion by teasing or gossiping when someone makes an error.
GROW LOYALTY
ENSURE ROLE CLARITY
Provide the Context and Permission
End your team meetings with clear action steps and assign specific people to be responsible. Include a due date.
When launching a new project, invest the time now to save time in the future. Hold a kickoff meeting at which you review what needs to be done, when, and by whom. If there will be overlapping responsibilities, discuss who will take the lead.
Ensure that the expectations of each role are understood by both the role-owner and the other team members. Consider creating cheat sheets of Who to call if. . . .
Set up RACI charts:
CONNECT JOBS TO THE LARGER MISSION
There’s Always a Why Connecting our jobs to a higher purpose makes a meaningful difference in recruitment and productivity. McKinsey Co. reported that highly sought-after talent opted to work for companies with an inspiring mission.
OFFER THE GIFT OF TIME
We All Have Too Much to Do
KNOW WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Clear Goals Enable You to Declare Finished!
THERE’S PLENTY FOR EVERYONE!
Assume an Abundance—Not Scarcity—Mentality
BANK SOCIAL COLLATERAL
Give Now to Succeed in the Future
STROKE THEIR NARCISSISM
All Egos Need a Little Love
CREATE RITUALS
Celebrate Success and Grow from Mistakes
GENERATE JOY AND LAUGHTER
Energize Your Workplace
Most emotional communication occurs through body language, facial expression, and tone. Change your facial expression to the one you would have if you were happy, even if you don’t feel it in the moment. It will improve your mood.
Greater self-awareness is associated with occupational success. Be the first to joke about your idiosyncrasies. Be the source of levity, rather than the font of office tension.
RESOLVE CONFLICT
STAND IN SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOES
Experience Their Point of View
When meeting someone on their turf, come prepared to talk in terms of their interests. Do research in advance so you can ask informed questions. Check the local newspaper or blog to tap into timely concerns.
=Ask open-ended questions and be prepared for answers you didn’t expect. Don’t be afraid to ask for explanations of jargon, abbreviations, or words you don’t understand.
Engage in active wonder. Relinquish the urge to judge; instead, allow yourself to feel the moment. Listen to understand. Don’t be pressured to match their story with one of yours.
DECODE YOUR COLLEAGUES’ EMOTIONAL CLUES
They’re the Key to Connection and Success
APOLOGIZE
Don’t Justify or Explain Why
ACCEPT THAT YOU WON’T BE UNDERSTOOD
Sometimes the System Isn’t Ready for Your Ideas
Make people backers rather than blockers. Manage the ego of potential critics. Keep colleagues informed on the progress of your work and invite their expertise.
Help potential supporters look smart (and forward-thinking) by giving them bullet points and buzzwords to help promote your ideas.
Provide the framework for colleagues to appreciate the value of your initiatives. Keep the language simple, with examples relevant to their work.
Have patience with others. Help your audience get comfortable with your concepts. Speak slowly, avoid jargon, and synthesize complex or new ideas ahead of time so that you can present information as clearly as possible. Practice at home. If your teenage child doesn’t understand your message, keep refining it.
Stay happily below the radar. Being recognized while your ideas are in formation can be overrated. Publicity triggers corporate antibodies.
Find support beyond your office walls. Attend conferences with other innovators, even if they are not in your field.
Accepting you won’t be understood does not mean that you give up. It means sharing a smile with yourself
NEGOTIATE A PSYCHOLOGICAL CONTRACT
Mutually Commit to Extreme Honesty
Don’t assume that your pearls of wisdom are always welcome.
Think about your goals for the next six months. What reflections on your behavior would help you succeed? Who often sees you in action? Not sure about how smart you sound in meetings? Afraid you are too long-winded?
ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF
The Discomfort Will Be Worth It
NAME THE ELEPHANT
It’s Taking Up Way Too Much Room
Be brave. Ask, Why aren’t we discussing X? Ideally, your inquiry will prompt a more open discussion.
Gain as much knowledge as you can about the elephant. Don’t make assumptions.
Prepare for the unleashing of strong emotion. If the elephant wasn’t such an evocative topic, it wouldn’t be hiding. Some people may be hurt as the discussion unfolds.
Make it about the issue, not the person. Issues don’t have emotions, but people do.
BE A SIMPLIFIER, NOT A COMPLICATOR
Make Precision Execution Seem Easy
As Leonardo da Vinci said, Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.
Don’t be embarrassed. Ask for a three-line summary of the problem and a one-line solution before going into the details.
Set a clear intention. Before you set out to do something, you should be 100 percent certain about exactly what it is you want to do. Ask questions of others at the onset to avoid confusing your coworkers later.
Don’t overcomplicate the problem you are about to solve.
Kill your darlings. It’s terrific advice from the great writ
Review your material for: Must Have, Should Have, Good to Have. If it’s a must-have item, keep it. Trim the should have, and consider deleting the good to have
FIGHT FEAR
STEP OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE
Being a Little Terrified Is Good for You
Try saying yes to three things you usually say no to, and then say no to three things you usually say yes to.
Take small steps, like driving a different route to work or turning your desk at an alternate angle. Pick up a magazine devoted to an interest that you never explored. Sit in a new place. Try a day offline.
Create a personal mission statement about why you’re stepping out of your comfort zone, such as to build courage or to become more creative.
INVITE OTHERS IN
Take the First Step
Create emotional connections. Strengthen a sense of belonging by promoting shared memorable experiences.
BE A GRACIOUS HOST
Tackling the Hard Stuff Is Easier When Everyone Is Comfortable
BE A PERSON FIRST!
Help Strangers Feel Less Strange
You don’t have to be brilliant, just nice.
—BERNARDO CARDUCCI, PHD, former director of the Shyness Research Institute
Offer up a compliment, about anything.
Read up on the news and make a nonpolitical comment on current events. Subscribe to a daily digest that keeps you informed.
FOCUS ON FACILITATION
Boost the Quality of Conversations by Attending to Details
Often a sign of expertise is noticing what doesn’t happen.
—MALCOLM GLADWELL
Be aware of subtle biases.
BUILD A BRIDGE
Connect Through Non Work Interests and Experiences
CREATE THE GROUP YOU WANT TO BE PART OF
There’s Energy and Power in Number
BE PRACTICALLY OPTIMISTIC
Instill Hope
Practice active-constructive responding. When your colleagues share good news, listen in a way that encourages them to savor the positive emotion
Break big goals into manageable, tangible actions that can be accomplished and celebrated.
Reimagine your goals. Don’t get stuck in the problem at hand. What can be fixed? With how much effort? Do you need to pivot? Share the shift with your colleagues.
Be honest. Openly review obstacles you anticipate, and ask others to make suggestions.
HAVE A BIG IMPACT
EXPLORE THE UNKNOWN
The Future Depends on It
It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.
Run toward, not away, from the question without an obvious answer.
Don’t get lost in the details of execution while you’re still toying with concepts. Examine your question from a distance. What patterns can you recognize?
Explore the online, free tool box from Stanford’s D School that encourages you to question everything.(https://dschool.stanford.edu/resources/design-thinking-bootleg).
HONOR HISTORY
Let the Past Propel You Forward
Think and talk about the past in living color in the present.
EMBRACE AGING AT WORK
60 Is the New 30
LEVERAGE YOUR PLATFORM
Make a Difference
Integrating Your Many Roles in the World Produces the Most Powerful Effect for Yourself and Others
Professor Adam Grant refers to the sharing of our knowledge, skills, and connections as micro-loans. Become a lender.
CHALLENGE THE STATUS QUO
Unleash Intergenerational EnergyDREAM AUDACIOUSLY
Move Beyond Success to Significance
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