How to click with people by Dr. Rick Kirschner
The secret to better relationship in business and in life
The power of resonance: Clicking happens in many ways, but at its most basic level, it is all about tapping into the profound power of resonance.Resonance makes many things possible. When we dance, we can feel a connection to our partner - a sort of synchronicity. When we sing together in harmony, our voices resonate at the same frequency. The effect can touch us, move us, make us well up with tears, or move us to the beat.
Patterns of similarity: When meeting someone for the first time, we all make a basic decision, and do it rather quickly: is this person similar to me or not? We click when we gave a shared culture, or tradition We are drawn to the similar because it is familiar and we are comfortable with it.
Blending: Blending: It is all about reducing the difference between yourself and someone else to create a resonant pattern of similarity. Highlighted against a backdrop of similarity, difference become points of interest rather than conflict. Blending can occur in a lot of different forms, including verbal and nonverbal patterns, communication style, motivation, and values. Blending happens when you notice what’s going on and signal a corresponding pattern of similarity. Blending happens when you notice what’s going on and signal a corresponding pattern of similarity.
Body language: Physical blending increases the likelihood of cooperation. By matching your posture to another person’s you jump-start the pattern of resonance. You’ll be complementing, not just his body language, but his energy and comfort level as well.
Personal Space:When approaching someone, see how much personal space she tends to surround herself with. If someone moves into your personal space, that’s a clue his zone is on the small side. If she pulls back,m you know she prefers more space. Be observant and keep your distance and she will be comfortable enough to click.
Verbal blending: It is not just the words used, however, but also the way they sound:
Tempo & volume: Just as complementing body language is important in sending the right signals, matching the speed and volume at which someone is speaking is imperative in reaching that click.
Time & Space: Some prefer to speak in the past tense, some in the future tense, and some in the here & now.Match with the same way to click.
You don’t have to be manic about connecting with others. If you can cultivate your appreciation for and curiosity about the difference between people, you will find that your natural energy, your innate clickability grows.
Your greatest leverage in life is your response to what the moment brings. To increase your sense of ownership the moments in your life, start by contributing to learn from every experience and prepare yourself before each new one. Having clickability means treating everyone equally - the way you want to be treated.
Be Attentive: When it comes to making people feel special, it’s the little things that count the most. Starting with something as simple as a name. Names matter. Notice how people introduce themselves and let that be your guide in addressing them initially. For example, you can ask Dr. Sam Mart,’Dr. Smart, may I call you Sam? And with his permission, call him Sam then onwards.
The most intimidating aspect of small talk is knowing what exactly to talk about. Just remember these four topics and you will be fine: Work, Family, Hobbies and Culture.
How to convey Personal Warmth and there are several ways to convey warmth.
Move: Warmth comes across when your body seems undefended. Maintain a relaxed and open posture. Welcome people into your personal space.Position yourself - when you talk to someone, get close (but not too close).
Look at people and let people see warmth in your eyes.
Speak: Let people hear the warmth in your voice.The best way to convey warmth with your voice is to relax when you speak. A warm voice is full instead of thin.
Attend to people: Hold the other person at the center of your attention. Turn your body to face them. Nod your head and make sounds of approval when they talk, so they can see and hear that you are paying attention closely.
There are three things you can know about people before they ever say a word:
- They love to hear themselves talk
- They want to be heard and understood
- They are drawn to people who listen to them (listen for feelings, not just words also)
Look like you understand, sound like you understand and talk like you understand. Ask the right questions, which are powerful tools for clicking. Questions can be of following types:
- Ask for relevancy
- Introduce information as a question
- Ask for intent
- Ask even if you already know
To build connections with people, you need to understand four basic styles of communication: action, accuracy, approval and appreciation.
Action based individual is very direct and goal-focused. She is likely to speak in a commanding and authoritative manner.
Helpful phrases for the action click:
I want to tell you about..
Here is where I’m going with this..
Let me get right to the point...
Moving right along...
What’s the bottom line...
Accuracy based individual will pay close attention on the process and details. She speaks slowly and in a restrained manner, offering a lot of particulars and takes time getting to the point. Helpful phrases for the accuracy clock:
Something worthy of discussion is..
It’s reasonable to explore the various ways...
When broken down into its component parts...
There are lots of reasons to take into account...
Approval based individual will be more on people than issues and she talks more about being than doing.
Helpful phrases for the approval click:
You and me..
What do you think we should do..
How do you feel about our choices?
Here’s what this will mean to us
Everyone’s on board...
Do you mind...
Is this a good time...
Appreciation based individual is focused on people as opposed to goals and she speaks with energy . enthusiasm and passion. Helpful phrases for the appreciation click:
I noticed how you..
I love the way you...
How do you...
Can you show me...
Help me with something...
Motivation factors: Fear & Desire as motivator.
Fear commands interest and holds it, at least initially. The oldest and most despised trick in the persuasion book is to get a person to feel threatened and then offer an easy solution that eliminated the threat.
Desire will move you forward when you have energy to spare and fear will keep you going when your energy flags. Desire is a strong and sustainable force. There are six recognizable categories that can help you to understand yourself and others and each type has an aspect of both fear and desire.
It isn’t right and it is only fair
We are obliged to do this
‘It is only right that I talk with you
It seems proper to discuss this first.
2. Reward: Some phrases associated with reward are:
The conversation will benefit us both
We stand to gain a lot from this
Because I don’t want you to miss out, we should get while the getting is good
I didn’t want to lose this chance to meet you
3. Challenge; Some phrases associated with the challenge are:
This is our chance to meet this challenge head on
We will be triumphant
Here’s what we can do
We can’t let this moment pass us by
We will not be defeated
You can only fail if you don’t try
If I failed to introduce myself to you, I’d never forgive myself for letting the opportunity slip away.
Esteem motivates the drive for reputation and fame. They give recognition and appreciation eagerly and it is a good strategy because people appreciate those who appreciate them and give recognition to people who deem them worthy of recognition.
The purpose is one of the strongest motivational forces of all, because it gives us fulfillment. To click with people with purpose is asking about her biggest dreams, ambitions, etc.
6. Feelings: Some phrases associated with feelings are:
Pleasure and pain are really the only two motivational forces in life.
It is a pleasure to meet you
It is a pleasure to meet you
Won’t it feel to get together?
I’m sure there is something we can do to ease the pain and frustration you have been going through
8 ways to clicking over the phone:
The biggest challenge on the phone shortens attention span.
- Make sure the timing is right
- Use the person’s name to hold attention
- Match voice volume
- Reconcile talking speed
- Confirm your speaking rhythm to your partner’s
- Much energy
- Level vocal variety
- Keep sentence length and word choices similar.
8 ways sot makes email messages work:
- Be polite
- Use the subject line
- Keep it brief
- Frame your message
- Put out any flames
- Only send to groups with permission
- When sending to groups, keep addresses private
- Watch the funny stuff
Turn personal problems into a personal relationship
The most common conflicts that make clicking impossible fall into five categories:
- Strong opinions
- Unconstructive criticism
You have got to learn how people receive information, so you can present it to them in the most advantageous way.
The 7 signals to click:
To make your ideas emotionally attractive and add persuasive power to the facts and logic of what you8 have to suggest, you can appeal to seven core signals that server to capture the attention of others, helping you to click.
You click with people you find attractive.
You click with charismatic people
You click with those who treat you with respect
You click with what people you like, like
You click with the better of two choices
You click with people who match your ideals about how people should be
You click with ideas that belong to your community
You click with the ideas of the biggest crowd
You click with whomever is popular
You click with the ideas of people who do favors for you
You click with people when you do favors for them
You click with people who make sacrifices on your behalf
You click with the appearance of authority
You click with the ideas of people who have more experience
(Confidence in oneself and one’s ideas grants the aura of authority)
Consistency helps create the trust at the foundation of any positive relationship
You click with people when you now you can count on them
You click with people when you fulfill their positive expectations
You click with someone that you expect to click with
7. Scarcity:You click when people make you feel special
You click when the moment is fleeting
(Reserve sharing your ideas and when you do, people may take notice).
Make your point
Once you have made the initial click, you have a green light to share your ideas and you need to know how to convey it persuasively.
Put the most information up front
Don’t tell them everything
Focus on goals, not process
Choose familiar words
Make it clear
Make your case with examples and abct it with numbers
make your point and then point the way forward
Repeat and restate (the rule of three is one of the most powerful, potent and practical rhetorical devices ever devised)
The right questions
Most people want to be part of something greater than themselves. But people are independent by nature, so to harness the raw power of the individual and get it to work in the service of a greater good, you need to not only get everyone together but also get them to get each other. You need to bring people together around an idea or mission and you need a group click
Following five strategies below to ensure that your group can click together:
- Hold focus
- Identify a positive common goal
- Treat people with respect
- Invite member’s contribution
- Keep people in the loop