How to click with people by Dr. Rick Kirschner
(The secret to better relationships in business and in life)
The Basic Click:
The power of resonance
Patterns of similarity
Blending ( reducing diff between yourself & someone else to create a resonant pattern of similarity)
Treat each person equally
Treat people with warmth. There are several ways to convey warmth.
1. Move. Warmth comes across when your body seems undefended. Maintain a relaxed and open posture, whether you are in a casual setting or a formal one. Face people, but not straight on (at first) - turn toward them at a slight angle. Once they have had a chance to get comfortable with you, move so you interact completely face-to-face.
2. Welcome people into your space rather than invade theirs. When you enter a room, survey it before entering. When your eyes kind on someone, let your attention linger long enough to let individuals actually notice you noticing them, then smile - and give them a chance to respond in kind. A small smile with a stranger creates warmth, whereas an overpowering smile can intimidate those who feel distant already
3. Position yourself when someone starts to talk with you, take note of how much space she takes up and respond accordingly. Beware of her personal space and move just to the edge of it, but never beyond.
4. Look at people. No matter how near or far you are, let people see warmth in your eyes. Focus on the person you are interacting with - your gaze should not be scouting around as if for a better opportunity. If her eyes are slightly averted, you do the same and if she is gazing steadily at you, you do the same.
5. Speak - Let people hear the warmth in your voice. Use a friendly and helpful tone in what you say. The best way to convey warmth with your voice is to relax when you speak. A warm voice is easy on the ears because it sounds relaxed.
6. Attend to people. Hold the other person at the center of your attention.
There are three things you can know about people before they every say a word.
1. They love to hear themselves talk
2. They want to be heard and understood
3. They are drawn to people who listen to them
connected listening - look like you understand and sound like you understand
backtracking - talk like you understand
Ask the right questions (stupid q vs dumb q)
Start with open ended Qs - who, what, where, when & how? (not why)
Ask for relevancy
Introduce information as question
Ask for intent
Ask even if you already know
Tell me more …
Listen for feelings, not just words
Click in Style -
To build connection with people, you need to understand four basic styles of communication - action, accuracy, approval and appreciation. If you are speaking to a person who is after accuracy above all else, you are going to miss the mark if your focus is on praising her, for example.
Action-based communication sounds like:
'make it happen'
get it done
Stop beating around the bush
Helpful phrases for the action click
I want to tell you about....
here is where I am going with this..
Let me get right into the point...
Moving right along...
What is the bottom line...
The faster things move forward, the better this person will respond to you
Accuracy-based communication sounds like:
After considering they many variables...
There are many facts to consider...
Before proceeding a careful analysis might yield
Helpful phrases for the accuracy click
Something worthy of discussions is
It is reasonable to explore the various ways
when broke down into its components parts..
There are lots of reasons to take into account...
Approval based communication sounds like:
Is this good time?
Is there something you want to tell me?
What do you think
I feel like you really are doing a great job?
Helpful phrases for the approval click..
You and I..
what do you think we should do
how do you feel about our choices
here is what this will mean to us
everyone's on board
do you mind
is this a good time
Appreciation based communication sounds like:
I feel we ought to do this, and I tell you why
I've given this a lot of thought, because it is important to me..
I can see that if I were to do this, I would
I feel strongly about this, I hope you will listen to me
Helpful phrases for the appreciation click:
I noticed how you
I love the way you
How do you
can you show me
what do you think
help me with something?
Most communication problem come down to mismatched styles..
Motivation comes down to how a person answers these fundamental Qs. What is it for me and what should I care?
The six types of motivation
click via phone
when building connection over the phone, you have eight key tools in your toolbox, most of which involve a form of blending.
1. Make sure the timing is right (Is this a good time to talk or would you prefer I call back at another time)
2. Use the person's name to hold attention
3. Match voice volume
4. Reconcile talking speed
5. Conform your speaking rhythm to your partners
6. Match energy
7. Level vocal variety (use a similar variety of tones and you will find it easier to get and maintain click)
8.. Keep sentence length and word choice similar.
Four ways to click during a phone interview
1. Use a landline
2. Be prepared
3. Hold the focus
4. Listen and blend
Eight ways to Click using email.
1. Be polite
2. Use the subject line
3. Keep it brief
4. Frame your message
5. Put out any flames
6. Only send to groups with permission
7. When sending to ground, keep addresses private
8. Watch the funny stuff
Troubleshooting (turn personal problems to personal relationship)
1. It is not about you
2. Ask yourself if it could be about you
7 Emotional click signals
Affinity, comparison, conformity, reciprocity, authority, consistency, and scarcity
You click with people you find attractive
you click with charismatic people
you click with those who treat with you with respect.
you click with what people you like
7 ways to send the signal of authority
1. Carry yourself with authority
2. speak from experience
3. dress for success
4. emphasis your credentials
5. accept responsibility
6. involve other authorities
7. be the authority
You click with people when you know you can count on them
you click with people when you fulfill their positive expectations
Signal of scarcity
you click when people make you feel special
you click when the moment is fleeting
Speak in confidence
create a sense of exclusivity
embody qualities in short supply in today's world
offer something not easy to get
Make your point
Keep it short and simple
Put the most important info at front
don't tell them everything
focus on goals not process
choose familiar words